10 Strategies for Parenting when Living with Arthritis

1. Engage a support network – it really does take a village to raise a child, so lean into the supports you have, whether that’s your children’s friends and their family, your own family and your child’s grandparents (if you’re lucky that they are capable and also living nearby) or, if you’re a single parent, other single parents who would happily help share some of the caregiving duties (an ideal arrangement is a quid pro quo arrangement). Delegate tasks where you can and, if it’s financially viable, consider paying for home help such as a cleaner, or sending out laundry – anything that will ease the load. 
2. Educate your children about your condition – using age-appropriate language, explain what arthritis is and how it affects you. This can build empathy and can, in fact, create stronger family bonds. When discussing your condition, make sure to focus on the things that you can do, as well as the things you struggle with, to reassure your child that you are still capable of many things, but that you just need help with others, such as lifting or reaching for items in the kitchen, preparing dinner or doing laundry. “My eldest is just turning three but she knows that sometimes Daddy's knees or hips might be sore,” adds Peter. “Sometimes tidying toys becomes a game in itself, as does pairing socks out of the dryer.”
3. Work on yourself – if you are in pain, consider signing up for one of our Behind the Pain courses – these are held online by an accredited psychotherapist over a six-week period. You will learn things like the grief cycle of living with a chronic condition, how to ask for help and manage fatigue. If you don’t want to engage in a course, you could watch our Breaking the Pain webinar series instead, where you’ll learn all sorts of tips from experts within the field. Also, crucially, make sure that you are communicating regularly with your healthcare team so that your condition and the symptoms are controlled as best as they possibly can. Advocating for yourself at healthcare appointments is key and will benefit your entire family.
4. Accept that you will mess up – we can’t always be our best selves, and often we fall well below our own expectations. Being in pain is a reason, but not an excuse. It’s important to show some self-compassion, reminding ourselves that we also have a chronic condition, but it’s also important to heal our relationship with our child. Watch clinical psychologist Becky Kennedy's Ted talk here to learn the power of apologising to your child. Then you can think about planning for ways to cope better in the future, such as planning for a flare.
5. Consider meditation – overwhelm or burnout can happen to any parent, but you may be at additional risk if you are dealing with the symptoms of a chronic condition. Many of us ruminate on how things may get worse, or how we’ll cope in the future. One way to help dial down natural feelings of worry, anger, frustration or overwhelm is to start meditating to get back into the present moment. When we are more relaxed, we can engage in acceptance and self-compassion, and we can learn to see our thoughts as merely passing by, rather than fact, so that we’re better able to cope. A great place to start is by watching this free meditation from Headspace.
6. Remember your children are more capable than you realise – for instance, a five-year-old is perfectly capable of making their bed each morning and a six-year-old is perfectly capable of setting the table, while older children can prepare a meal or even shop for the ingredients. Look at this list of age-appropriate chores for children from two until teens, and you may start to rethink the amount of responsibility you give your children (paying pocket money always helps this process!). Also, get them involved in tailoring your home to suit your arthritis condition with our 10 tips for adjusting your home.
7. Incorporate some flexibility into your routine – there will be days where you can’t stick to the normal routine, whether that’s reading your child a bedtime story or being there to drive them to training. Accept that, when you’re experiencing fatigue or pain, you’ll need to step back and let others help. This may mean adjusting your standards, whether that means buying pre-chopped vegetables in the supermarket or accepting that someone else will have to do the run this time.
8. Don’t always feel like you have to ‘fix’ the problem – too often, we rush into solving things for our children when they are perfectly capable of problem-solving themselves. Instead of always trying to come up with solutions, encourage them to come up with their own. That way, the burden of responsibility moves from you to them but, better still, they learn to make decisions and trust their instincts early on.
9. Put down boundaries with others – your family should be your priority, as well as yourself. Anyone else who drains your energy, and your emotions may need firmer boundaries. Part of this may be learning to say ‘no’ for the first time in your life, particularly if you’re a people pleaser. Read our blog on setting boundaries, including tips on what to say and how to respond when yours are being pushed.
10. Try to model a positive attitude – although you may not sometimes feel like it, modelling a positive approach to your condition will be seen by your children, and they will learn from that. Dealing with setbacks is part of life, and what better way to demonstrate that than in how you cope with flares and other aspects of your condition. One way to do this is to start a gratitude practice - list three simple things each day that make you feel good. In a surprisingly short amount of time, this simple act will help to bring more positivity into your perspective. In this way, arthritis can serve as a unique opportunity to teach resilience to your children, showing them the strength that lies in facing life's challenges together. 

Don’t forget to listen to our brilliant podcast on parenting with arthritis, held with occupational therapist Dr Yvonne Codd and Aoife McCoy who lives with rheumatoid arthritis and is a busy mum to her young son. This podcast focuses on practical considerations and the emotional aspects of parenting when you have arthritis. 

If you are struggling to cope with your condition, talk to someone who understands and cares by calling our helpline on 0818 252 846. 

For help that is specific to your parenting role, try one of these free resources and courses available.